Personal Back Story
One of my earliest childhood memories is eating Nilla wafer cookies and drinking Kool-Aid out of a little paper cup in Sunday School class. I cannot ever remember not loving God. Growing up I spent a lot of time in church so it came as no surprise when I decided to major in theology in college and then went to seminary.
During my first year of seminary in 1983 I saw the Academy Award winning three hour and eleven minute (double reel) film “Ghandi” directed by Richard Attenborough. This is the film that launched my study of world comparative religions (and eventually) the perennial philosophy. When I encountered Zen Buddhism in my studies I was intrigued by the spiritual breakthrough experience or enlightenment experience called “kensho” or “satori.” Since I was most familiar with Christian theology I was curious to find what the comparable Christian experience might be and then work backwards. This is an example of a comparative religious studies approach.
Since I was training to be a religious professional it seemed like a reasonable expectation to be enlightened by the time I graduated. (People expect you to know what you’re talking about if you have a degree.) That would give me two years to work on it. That should be plenty of time. (Insert laughter here!) So I started my intensive search and research. What this amounted to was non-stop reading, study, contemplation, obsession, journaling and questioning. I did find time to attend regular classes, a couple of Red Sox games and tried not to appear too antisocial, but my personal venture was all consuming. Zen has a saying for this, “Practice like your hair is on fire…”
For me, I broke the spiritual search process into three phases;
- Accumulation
- Saturation
- Explosion
.
My intense seeking phase was the accumulation of new material, insights, struggles and advice as well as timely interjections by the universe beyond my control. I consumed massive amounts of information which lead to hours of laying on the beach allowing it to sift into my brain as the waves washed onto the sand. Even my dreams at night were filled with lectures and debates (and heretic dreams as I called them) as I processed conscious and subconscious levels of my search. I was driven. I couldn’t read a book fast enough before I was onto the next; trying to figure it out, trying to crack the code, trying to put it all together. I was obsessed. This continued for almost two years until it felt like my head was going to explode.
And then it did…
As I walked into Liberty Tree Shopping Mall (ironic name in this case don’t you think?) in the Spring of 1985, little did I know I had reached the saturation point in my spiritual search. I was in the mall bookstore (of course) in the philosophy/religion section when I picked up the last book I would ever pick up in that same manner. I opened it and was scanning it in the same feverish manner I always did when suddenly I stopped. I stood there for a second in the bookstore aisle motionless and this clear thought came to me.
*
*
This was the explosion.
It wasn’t a large and dramatic explosion like it is for some,
It was relatively quiet.
No one else in the bookstore even noticed.
But for me
the seeking was over.
the fever had broken.
the fire in my hair had just been extinguished.
I knew at that point (and no one could ever convince me otherwise)
I knew that this was it.
I set the book back on the bookshelf
and calmly walked out of the bookstore in freedom and liberation
and never looked back…
.
Epilogue:
So even though the seeking is over, the real work is only beginning. After a person has had an initial realization experience it takes a lifetime of realizing its depth and that depth is endless. When I graduated from seminary I returned to northern Maine and built a small cabin for solitude and to continue my contemplative practices. It is a never-ending process of new insights, slightly increased virtue and a profound appreciation for this life and the people I am sharing it with.
